me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My neck my back my allergy attack
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”