me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
This dude got his own movie?
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.