me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
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*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
much to think about
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
SF is the wild wild west man