me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
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2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
This one’s “Alex”.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.