Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?
Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…