Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
You Might Also Like
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….