@outsmartedmommy

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

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@juicymorsel

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

@zachreinert03

Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster

@noog

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.

@Lisabug74

Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”

@Love_bug1016

Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.

@LaLuchaNix

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

@Prero22

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

@cigarin

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

@superdadatron

My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary. Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer…