@outsmartedmommy

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

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@Chay_Raghu

Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?

@dril

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

@markydoodoo

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

@mrjohndarby

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

@isabelzawtun

Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”

@BBCWorld

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach