Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

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Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …

She : You want both !?


i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports


i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside


[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese


Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”


Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach