Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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Me : Marry me and make me happiest man …
She : You want both !?
They said I could be anything… So I became problematic.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Wife leaves: Ok.
Wifi leaves: NOOOOOOOOOO. I can change!
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[god inventing cows]
angels: *nodding* cheese
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach