Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.