Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

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[wife checking on me and the kids]
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?


Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*

Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
*refreshes condescendingly*



None of this is appropriate for anybody. Take the 18+ out of your bio.


Boss: Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?

Me: It’ll be higher quality and less tense for everyone if we wait?

Boss: Today!


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”juliussharpe”;s:5:”image”;s:65:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/935659475/me_again2_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”350302340206702593″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”180″;s:5:”tweet”;s:81:”If I could give one piece of advice to young people today it’s have rich parents.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly


Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye



Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this


Waiter: and for you?

Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas