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@ArfMeasures: Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
@smhluckyme: If you don’t smile at yourself in the mirror at least twice a day, do you even brush your teeth?
@TweetPotato314: Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
@daemonic3: [1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years]
"God, you were so fat back in school."
"Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year."
"No you didn't."
@katie_bilotta: Me: is it weird to talk to yourself?