Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The “baby” on the left….
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there