Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
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When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
lol
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast