me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
How did we not see this back then?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I don’t know what to do
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community