Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
You Might Also Like
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.