Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
You Might Also Like
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I am yelling
“i am a sweet baby”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.