I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
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[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.