me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*