Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
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Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work