@SommerofMandi

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

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@lilgapeach30

Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

@SadPeruna

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

@DaddyJew

Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.

Sweet.

@Tups13

Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!

@RickyFabiyi

Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

@Amusitr0n

Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

@NotOnTheMoors

Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?

@better_off_dad

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S