Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

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Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.



“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”


Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?


Judging by this line at Costco it doesn’t look like I’ll ever see my family again.



Don’t hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!


Huh? People check their hand after picking their nose, what do you expect? A piece of diamond!


Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002


Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]


Which sadist decided to make the packaging around Band-Aids so difficult to open, considering you’re usually bleeding when you need one?


13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S