Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

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“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain


At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.


{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.


If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.


OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee


The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!


So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?


well well well if it isn’t the consequences (no snacks) of my own actions (“i don’t need snacks” at the grocery store)


Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it.