@aka_fatman

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

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@ProfessorKumi

“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain

@Metalligretch

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

@TitansHomer

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

@mommajessiec

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.

@jonnysun

OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee

@PetrickSara

The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.

Dear God, woman. Not the cake!

@AmishPornStar1

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

@elensemblador

well well well if it isn’t the consequences (no snacks) of my own actions (“i don’t need snacks” at the grocery store)

@albywizzy

Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it.