I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
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SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
shit just got real
Lunatics are gonna loon.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.