Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
You Might Also Like
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
BRO LMFAO
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.