ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies

GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes

ME: Put Ratatouille on

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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.

*puts phone on silent


I’m the girl who shows up at a Halloween party where everyone is dressed as something sexy and I’m dressed as a bean bag.


me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then


[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper


Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”


THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?


Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.


i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside


[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”


modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”