ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
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I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.