@TheNYAMProject

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

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@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.

@SoulYodeler

Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE

@AlexRogaski

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

@ceejoyner

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …

@Underchilde

I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

@louisvirtel

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.