Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
they split up moments later
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.