ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
yeah not falling for this one
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Dishonest mechanic?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.