ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point