@chuuew

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

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@thenatewolf

Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?

Me: that obvious?

Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”

@Tmoney68

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

@MarfSalvador

me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in

her: it says volvo on it

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@Tom_Vom

It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.

@dave_cactus

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

@Sayhikristy

Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.