Salesman: first time buying a motorcycle?
Me: that obvious?
Salesman: nobody asks “how loud is the vroom?” they ask “what’s the vroomage?”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You give great word of mouth
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
It sounded like someone on a moped was approaching but it turned out to be 1,000 bees on a regular bicycle.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
Ellen degeneres, one of the greatest humans on earth
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.