ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
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My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here