me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
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Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Cinematography is my passion
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.