@GrantTanaka

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

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@MarloMeekins

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

@HousewifeOfHell

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

@envydatropic

A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.

@abbycohenwl

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@GensPlace

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

@eyeswidebutt

me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’

thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe

@MatthewEPierce

broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex

woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere

@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.