Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
You Might Also Like
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.