ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.

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My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”


I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.


Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.


if there were a zombie apocalypse i’d save a lot of kids but it would be only because i’d need them later to feed zombies so i can run away


me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns


Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.


I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?


ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter


[walking home after date]

Date: it’s getting dark. it’s kinda scary. *winks* you’ll have to protect me

Me: oh don’t worry *i stomp my feet and the bottom of my shoes light up* i got you