ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
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I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”