Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Owl Sanctuary
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
The Book. The Movie.