Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
finally found a reasonable question
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak