Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
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getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Need this in my life lol
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?