Me: [unsure about my hair]

Hairdresser: So, what do you think?

Me: OMG it’s perfect, I love it so much, thank you!!

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When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.


[texting in 1918]
*pigeon delivers message*
*msg reads: I don’t love you*
*turns to u*
why would u send this?
“it was 6 days ago. I was mad”


Research found happiness
peaks at ages 23 and 65.

Age 23 ~ excited to enter the work force
Age 65 ~ relief at leaving the work force.


Son: What does “nihilism” mean?
Me: “Everything is meaningless.”
Son: Wow ok nice attitude. Do you know what it means or not?


Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”


I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation


Whenever I go for a jog and it’s raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.


Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.


Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.