15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
If you know, you know