Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
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Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour …
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.
I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
*guy about to invent Keto*
Not buttery enough.