@Browtweaten

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

You Might Also Like

@SammySkinns

Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%

So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying

@BoomBoomBetty

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

@TheLieLamaa

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour …

@TheHyyyype

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

@awkwardwit

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

@AdamUrbane

Why is Vanilla Ice scratching his head? Lice. Lice, maybe.

@TheMichaelRock

I forgot my work ethic at home today, but I did remember to bring my shenanigans and debauchery.

@Wine_honey1

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

@AnOrangeSNES

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words