ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?


ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

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Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian

“Aww, what a nice name”

It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name

“What is it?”



me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT


Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?


“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats


I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.


I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.


me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?


Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.