– hipster sheep
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
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inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
me: son, you’re adopted
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance by outrunning the cops.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.