@UncleDuke1969

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

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@GoldenSpirals

The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.

I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.

@skullmandible

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

@droidbears

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

@Breadery

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

@Eden_Eats

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

@Sir_Strange

Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.

@notmythirdrodeo

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

@TimBarnes451

So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?