@UncleDuke1969

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

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@PorkUrPine

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

@HollyMemphis

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

@SteveSuckington

1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby

2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us

@bobvulfov

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

@LlamaInaTux

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

@StarksWeek

“Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza”

-people that walk by my house on recycling day.

@KngHnryVIII

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

@DaddyJew

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae