ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

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The last thing I remember was my Mom telling me to “Take Care”.

I did, and now Liam Neeson is chasing me.


most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns


flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase


My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”


The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.


Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.


Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.


So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?