My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
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Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?
one is murder.
If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.
That was close.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.