@MyNameIsPappyG

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

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@momma0315

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

@Sweet_Me_73

Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.

@drinksmcgee

If there isn’t a Pig Farmer who has changed his name to Steven Squealberg, I’m disappointed in the agricultural sector’s lack of humour.

@AngryRaccoon2

I bought a CD today.

Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

@badAzz_mom

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

@Book_Krazy

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

@AngelaEhh

I almost ate that little packet in the shoe box. Good thing it said ‘do not eat’.

That was close.

@TheCatWhisprer

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

@Cherbearxo

Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.