@weinerdog4life

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

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@AbbeYaar

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

@gimmefirstborn

my therapist: “take it slow, avoid caffeine, don’t put yourself into situations that you know will make you anxious, eat well and regularly”

me on I-95 with an iced coffee on the way to hang out with my ex boyfriend: “I should go VEGAN”

@DaddyJew

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

@skittle624

My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.

@LostFelicia

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

@robwhisman

a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables

@clichedout

waiter: how did u find your meal sir?

me: i… i looked down

@YuckyTom

the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake

@djrogge

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.