Me: Waiter, there's a duck in my soup Waiter: That's a pond, you're at a park, I'm just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”
Two days have passed, no reply.

Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets