Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.