My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”