me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

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There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.


REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare



ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t


The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..


I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. This is not a complaint.


the three most popular activities in ancient greece:

3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus


I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.


I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.


My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.