me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
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saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?