@nathanwpyle

me: waiter this soup is cold

waiter: it’s Gazpacho

me: Gazpacho this soup is cold

You Might Also Like

@chagger73

My ex told me I’d never find another woman like her. nnI don’t think she was expecting the high 5 and happy dance I did right after.

@rasm69

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

@ScreaminZeman

I only ever learned a couple karate moves, so you could say I know partial arts.

@DadBeard

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

@UnFitz

Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”

@ThisOneSayz

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

@djdarrellripley

Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…

@ArfMeasures

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

@SteveMartinToGo

Whenever I hear someone died of natural causes, I think, “Wait a minute. I have that.”