There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I feel like I was never properly integrated into society. This is not a complaint.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
the three most popular activities in ancient greece:
3) debating the meaning of life
2) performing theatre
1) having sex with zeus
I’ve limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.
I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.