me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
me
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck