me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?


[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”


To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you


If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer


Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.


You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.


A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.


Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.


Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.