@KeetPotato

me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”

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@MelissaJoy33

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

@pilau

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

@3sunzzz

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

@good_one_rick

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

@freakyenough

X – Single
X – Married
X – It’s complicated
X – In a relationship
✅ – Not falling for that shit again…

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

@NicestHippo

[australia’s first national meeting]
Do we want to make our own language?
That’s too hard, let’s keep this one but say everything weird

@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.