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@KeetPotato: me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: "keith just go to the front"
@caseytduncan: One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"
@The_Mentalyst: I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women's restroom.
@NicestHippo: DETECTIVE: There are signs of a struggle here
[earlier that morning]
ME: *trying to get up for work*
@MarfSalvador: me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?