me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
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I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.