Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
A bad analogy is like a cucumber