@Miniwheats2012

Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!

You Might Also Like

@generaldietz

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

@Try2StopME

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

@jazz_inmypants

50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom

OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing

@Jimmywibbles

*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*

4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!

Me: Me neither!

*big hug*

It was a big night for both of us.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

@KalvinMacleod

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

@slimmy_shady

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@AsgardianRose

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

@Love_bug1016

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.