me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Me: Wake up son!
Son: Just 30 more minutes please
Me: I’m borrowing your phone
Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!
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Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom
OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing
*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*
4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!
Me: Me neither!
It was a big night for both of us.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.