the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Me: Wake up son!
Son: Just 30 more minutes please
Me: I’m borrowing your phone
Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!
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Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY