@Miniwheats2012

Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!

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@Fred_Delicious

the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules

@TheBoydP

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

@Darlainky

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

@SCbchbum

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

@marknorm

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

@Jason_Horton

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

@KentWGraham

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

@fro_vo

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY