Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
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My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?