ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext
this guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Me: Wake up
Me: We’re late
Me: The house is on fire
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
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[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.
[just time traveled to the past]
them: can u explain how this “electricity” thing works
me: lol no
them: can u explain literally anything
me: ok so u know how i mentioned sporks
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
excel: fixed it
excel: you’re welcome
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?