[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
The “research” scene in every horror movie
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.