Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.