Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
pizza
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.