Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
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I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”