@TheToddWilliams

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

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@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

@Colleen1913

Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!

@TheTrueDocLove

I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.

@daemonic3

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

@kidd_kong78

There is so much going on here.

The name, the crimes, the mugshot.

@3sunzzz

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

@Ideal_Victoria

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.

@Breadery

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.