@TheToddWilliams

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

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@DrDogMD

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

@daemonic3

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

@s8n

*Satan reading the bible for the first time*

Satan in tears : well that was mean

@Cheeseboy22

Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.

@captainkalvis

me: one shitty donut with gross frosting please

bagel employee: you don’t have to come here, you know

@1CleverGirl1

Me: I’m super funny. I mean, how could 13K people be wrong?
Husband: There were WAY more people in the Nazi party.
Me:……………..

@iAmDelFreaky

Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.

Church is boring.

@thedad

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.