ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me


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*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV


Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!


I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.


How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.


There is so much going on here.

The name, the crimes, the mugshot.


Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.


A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.


If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.