ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
just left a huge legacy in there
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.