me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
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wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Meanwhile in Canada…
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates